New realizations bring on new webpages..

Dear friends,

I am going to discontinue writing on this weblog. I am deciding to do this based on the following reasons:

1. The username and title of this weblog is under Meryltastic, a username that I use for the mmorpg that I still currently am playing. Meryltastic, and whatever it is involved in that name, comprises less than 1/10 of my actual life. I want to start anew without Meryltastic, to write the way I use to write pre-Wordpress.

2. I want to some day look back and know that maybe I can publish something, a dream that I’ve had ever since I majored in English Education. If I make a new account, and write the way I’ve actually been wanting to write, I feel by the end of a year or a little longer I can be closer to producing some sort of book. Novel, maybe? I don’t know, but I’ve just finished reading Audrey Niffenegger’s The Time Traveler’s Wife, and I am now filled with the urge to write memories, in full detail. For example, something written on October 12, 2010 will possibly be about an event occurring 1 year ago. Reliving these sort of things will probably provide me with the greatest insight into the workings of literature. Who knows? But I’m gonna try anyway.

3. The already existing blogs clash with what I want to do. I don’t want an outsider reading about my Maple Life and then seeing a very detailed entry about how my relationship with my boyfriend was 2 years ago. Though I’ve met my boyfriend while playing Maple, I would regardless like to separate the two subjects. Maplestory was never an integral part of my relationship, nor will my relationship be an integral part to the new weblog.

When I am done creating this weblog, I will provide you with the new information. As of now, I have just come back from work and I am losing focus so easily. I am exhausted and my head needs to finally rest on a pillow. So good bye old weblog. You’ve been a fine outlet for my tantrums and daydreams. Time to be a big girl now.

EDIT// October 3, 2009 – New blog address: http://whitedasein.wordpress.com/ – “Ephemerical Compositions”

9/30/08 Progress Report…

[9.29.08 - 10:13pm] Tomorrow, Sept. 30th, 2008, is probably gonna be one of the hardest days at the center. Trust me, based on experience, there’s a guarantee I will be pissed off and exhausted by the end of the day. I will write how the day went, but right now I just wanted to give you fair warning. Tomorrow may be the death of me.

In this second…

I’ve been writing more lately on MySpace. I don’t know why it turned out that way. It might be because a lot of my recent posts have to do with just some of the things I’m fed up with, and let’s face it, no one will read my vent sessions here. However, that brings up an interesting point. Maybe I should start writing more in here only to make it more private writing. Ah, who knows.

Right now, I have several problems with my job right now. It’s been getting a bit easier the past few weeks only because I’ve been getting one child to take care of and God knows, I really needed that break. However, let’s face it, the center is falling apart. One by one people are quiting, and for the rest of us, it isn’t getting any more splendid. The more kids that are coming in, the more spoiled we realize they are. I mean seriously, there are so many days where I’d like to tell off some of these parents, and I’m not even a parent myself, but I know damn well how to raise my child after being in this sort of environment.

And did I mention, I’m not teaching secondary education students. No. Cowardly me didn’t want to jump into that immediately after graduating, so I decided to take it a bit slow and start off with younger kids. Wayyy younger kids apparently.  And as the days go by, I find myself more and more of a coward.

I’ve gotta get rid of all this panic that enters my system every time I think about graduate school or finally being part of the Department of Education. Also, I wanna move out of this house so badly sometimes. My parents’ house that is. I’m convinced that the more I stay here, the more insane I get. But yet again, I have no back-up plan once I do move out; A missing piece yet again.

For a second, I wondered how easier my life would’ve been if I just became an accountant. You know, not going to NYU and just accepting that scholarship to St. John’s for business. I mean, I probably wouldn’t have been the person that I am now. The incomplete person that is.

And by the way, I finished reading Love in The Present Tense by Catherine Ryan Hyde. Everyone should go read it. I wanted to adopt Leonard myself. Go read it to find out what I’m talking about >.>

And I’ll end it with this..You see, just from reading this entry, that my thoughts are all disorganized; One tangent to another, sometimes completely unrelated. Now imagine this thought process every day of your life. Every morning when you wake up, and then every night before you go to bed…

[Edit 9:35PM] – People are frickin’ stupid. I’m done trying to be nice to people, and sacrificing my time to help others when they dont act like they care about you to begin with. Fuckin’ dicks, I tell ya.

Meanderings of a troubled mind ..

I’m a little concerned about several aspects of my life right now. First of all, since I’m graduating soon,  that puts a lot of plans either in action or on hold…

Money - I dont have any money right now to take a vacation as I had wanted to originally. And because money for me is at its low point, I don’t know about how committed I am to going to grad. school next semester. I’m thinking of taking at least a semester off to build up some sort of income to contribute to either my undergraduate loans or ones I’ll be taking out for my graduate years. It just feels like it’s way too much right now and all I keep doing is trying my best to save up money. With that, it involves a far less amount of outings, trips, and expenses on food T.T

Teaching – Right now, my students are starting a writing workshop unit. There’s this guest-teacher that’s suppose to be working with the class for about 6 days and basically using our class to demonstrate the “Understanding by Design” method. Basically, it’s this process where you establish a long-term goal for your students, and work to meet that goal. Our goal is to make them become independent readers and writers, and with that comes the important passing of the NYS English Regents.

First of all, it takes a great deal for my students to develop the stamina to even write for 10 minutes. They can’t do it. Writing is their worst nightmare. I had one student actually cry because she couldn’t do it. The thing is, is that I am aware that my students need as much practice as they can get for the Regents ASAP. The sooner, the better. However, this new guest-teacher isn’t quite getting it through to their heads what they need to know. I don’t think they’re understanding a single word that’s coming out of this woman’s mouth. Not to mention, it’s becoming a conflict in terms of the actual pacing of the unit. What we wanted to take 2 weeks of doing, is now going to take us maybe 4 weeks at least. It’s absolutely crazy to now try to come up with a completely different pacing calendar. As a teacher, it’s really surprising how at one moment you planned something, and then in one second it completely changes when you least expect it to…

School – It’s insane how I try to juggle both being a full-time student plus going to student-teaching, and NOT GET PAID. A lot of my subjects, like my independent study plan of action, I had to put on hold because of how hectic my lesson-planning has been for my students. Not to mention, I’m sick of having to change environments like this. I spent the first half of the day teaching students of my own, while the second half of the day is spent being the student myself and listening to a 2 to 3 hour lecture. By the second half of the day, I can hardly stay awake. I can’t keep up with my schedule anymore…

That’s all for now. If anyone can offer suggestions or feedback, I’ll be happy to accept them. I’m so tired…

 

Where I stand today *Disclaimer: mushy entry..*

So ever since March 17th, I’ve been spending my weeks enjoying the warmth and love that I’ve been receiving. I haven’t updated my WordPress in a while because I’ve been busy with this semester’s load of work, plus I’ve never loved my students more than I do now. I watch them grow and change with every day that arrives, and with those days, I am only more happy to have the privilege of being their teacher. But in any case, I write this today because I’m graduating in a month and this is one of the reflections that I have in my mind currently. The days are winding, the anxiety is accumulating, and yet I am filled with ever-lasting gratitude.

You see, after a long day of lesson planning, grading papers, and studying, I sometimes melt. I melt into someone’s arms, whose embrace can only remind me to go further than where I’ve already been. Where I am, regardless of how often at times I feel like taking the easy way out, there will always be my husband who will tell me otherwise. And no matter where I come out in the end, he will never view me as a failure. I am loved, and even in the smallest of ways, he shows me every day. And though I can see him more often than I’ve ever been able to before, I find myself only wanting more of it and missing even more when the day is through.

This last semester of college has been the most meaningful to me. I’ve picked myself up from the harshest of times, I’ve discovered exactly who I can be, and I’ve received the best birthday present in the world. I am graduating soon, and today I took the opportunity to look at old emails that I wrote since my senior year began. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve loved, and I’ve smiled … in the most highest of degrees. And when I read every word that has been written from his heart alone, I can only say this …

Share my life with me. Now and forever.

P.S. – NYU Graduation in May 13th & May 14th … the days are counting down!! AHH!! :O

Meryl’s in a happy high …

Hello all!

I’ve been missing in action quite a bit lately. I haven’t been playing Maple Story in a while, or going to check Facebook. In fact, Doug’s been doing all that for me >.>.  However, I’ve been really really pleased with my progress in student-teaching. My supervisor observed me last Wednesday and was very proud of what she saw. She saw someone who use to be more quiet and less daring suddenly become the most assertive person she could be in a classroom.

Not to mention, I learned that my students actually care and respect me. All this time, when I would talk to a student and they would curse me out, I’d find myself wanting to just slit my wrist or something. I’m serious. To hear your student insult you in public like that makes your self-esteem go down the drain, into a sewer, and into deep stool. Yes, I said stool.

However, I took a huge risk in trusting my students. I put myself in a position of vulnerability and said, “Guys, my supervisor is about to come into the classroom. I would highly appreciate it if you were in your best behavior.” Usually when teachers do this, they’re in for some crap. Either you’re lucky and you get students who listen. Or in other cases, you get students who don’t care at all and embarrass you regardless. Here’s what happened though…. they were great. They were learning. They were fine. In fact, they actually said, “Ms. Soriano, don’t worry. We’re gonna make you look like the best teacher on earth.” As a teacher, when you hear that, suddenly a big part of your heart fills up.

Now I know though that it’s quite sad that my students actually have to have a visitor here in order to behave properly -_-…but lemme have my happy moment!

On another note, my birthday is coming up in 6 days, and I’m getting the world’s greatest present. I can feel it. The excitement is tearing me up apart and sometimes, I’ll find myself jumping randomly in the streets. I’m getting so impatient.

I’m soooo madly in love …

I learned this the hard way, but I’m thankful I did …

It’s March 1st, the clock marks 8:41 pm. I’m awaiting my boyfriend to send me another text or to call me, however I know that he is preoccupied at the moment and that is perfectly okay. I listen to Lenny Kravitz, “I’ll Be Waiting,” not paying attention to the words but just letting the melody seep through my veins .. (oh look at that, 2 minutes into this entry and Doug has texted back already lol). In any case, I’m laying here … on my stomach of course because there is no way I’m about to sit up ‘cuz I’m drained still from last night’s hang out with Mariya and because of people who crowded the train stations celebrating St. Patrick’s Day way too early. However, I’m deciding to write because a situation is happening that I may never escape from, and has been caused by my own naivety and stupidity at the time. You see, I don’t want to speak about any information of what this situation is. All I know is that I was stupid, young-minded, in denial, hard-headed, and incredibly self-less .. Yes, self-less. Not selfish. Okay, you can’t be completely self-less, but it was pretty close …

Basically, I’m in a lot of shit. That I admit was my responsibility. Now it’s hitting me in the ass, but you know what? Am I crazy to think that no matter what, I’ll be okay? I’m stressed a bit, but is it weird that I’m not crying, I’m not about to turn away from my closest friends, and I’m not about to go dig myself into a hole like I’ve been doing in the past? Believe me, if you realized what this situation was, you’d probably be doing two things: 1) calling me an idiot, and 2) being glad that it isn’t you. But with that in mind, I’m content. I’m happy. I’m alright. And it’s … going to be okay.

You can say, “Sure, easy for you to say because you’ve got someone,” or “Sure, you’ve got people who care about you.” Please … everyone has the ability and responsibility to change the direction of their life if they are unpleased with it. Everyone has their own set of resources/talents/skills that they can utilize to the best of their capabilities. It may be hard (definitely not denying that), but if this is the only way to get you to your goal and true happiness…then do it. If you end up discovering down the road that it wasn’t meant to be, then that’s fine. Just don’t sulk and think that the world is out to get you. Fine, maybe sulk for a lil bit .. but when you’re analyzing all the bad things that’s happened to you, think about what could be worse and be glad that it wasn’t. Then think about what could be the worst, and either do something to prevent it or prepare for it. Stop sitting there waiting for reality to change itself!

After coming from the subway filled with adults who are drunk, teenagers who bash their parents and teachers … I’m reminded of this: “I am becoming more and more convinced each and every day of my life that a man’s character is indeed his own fate.” – Kevin Kline in “The Emperor’s Club.”

First Maple Life entry EVER … yahhhh boyyy!

I don’t know. I guess after a lot of contemplations about my life outside of Maple Story, I thought maybe I should talk more about my life in the game. I mean, I did end up after all meeting my soul mate from this game (I know, it happened :O), encountering some of the greatest friends ever, and actually learning some pivotal life lessons. After looking at a bunch of old screen shots of Meryltastic, I became reminded of how much I just miss that character.

For the sake of backstory, Meryltastic was my 87 hermit in Khaini which was deleted this year due to an ex-boyfriend. Pathetic as it may sound, that is the truth. It upsets me every now and then how simple it was done, how within a second I just lost what I spent so much effort, time, and money on. However, I looked past it pretty quickly because I know very well that no matter what, I am not one to stoop to that level of deceit nor do I want revenge. I know, I’m too naive. Doesn’t matter anymore anyway. What’s done is done.

Right now Meryltastic is a level 31 assassin (with the disheveled hair that the original Meryltastic use to have in her 30s as well). My current boyfriend surprised me by recreating it. Now, I’m writing this entry not to reaffirm the fact that Maple does cause drama (sometimes more drama that you expect). I’m writing this specific post to emphasize that I’m learning to be glad that it was deleted. I turned to Maple Story at first to escape stresses in my life. Before the deletion, I thought of myself as someone who was always behind walls in other arenas of my life, the person who knows they should do better but becomes too comfortable and stays in the same spot throughout life. That’s how it was in school, with family, with my social life. Since I couldn’t see what my actual priorities were in real life, I turned to the only source of my life that remained a constant — Maple.

But ever since a specific sequence of events happened, I learned that Maple is not a constant. Not really. It’s a fake constant. Instead, it’s just the manifestation of your Eden, the place where you’re free from judgments, free from big troubles, free from the unfairness of the world. It’s your place to stay innocent; It’s the place where you don’t have to be an adult. I learned that it can’t always remain this way, and that reality will hit you hard one of these days. To all the Maplers out there, play. Play your cards right. Enjoy the game, but enjoy your real life too.

So this is going to happen…

This is what I’m planning to do… This semester, I’m hoping (crosses fingers) that I get into the NYU Educational Policy and Advocacy masters program. It’s basically a program that researches on policies regarding the educational system and how to get schools more involved with non-profit organizations and other community-based services. It’s this new masters program that just opened up so I still haven’t missed it’s deadline. My only worries are getting in those recommendations, making my portfolio, and my certification test scores which I am still waiting for (crosses fingers again)…so basically, I’m worried about this whole admissions process T_T

Also, I’ve FINALLY begun my independent study. It’s a comparison between American literary works and their film adaptations. So far, I intend to study the Scarlet Letter, McTeague, and The Lord of The Flies .. plus their film adaptations. Observe major themes, come up with possible discussion questions…blah blah blah blah blah.

But one final note..in 3 weeks, a special someone is coming to make this process a whole lot less scary for me

P.S. – ShadowOutlaw aka GalaxyFox has quit maple story…I’ll always remember this picture: “Meryl, am I giving you a seizure??” …

My best regards to him…

Where’d all my brains go?…

Today was an interesting day. My grandfather all of a sudden invited the family to go out for lunch with him, after over 5 years of carrying on an estranged relationship with the majority of us. I don’t very much carry a lot of affection for the man, though I do believe he is probably one of the most intelligent people to ever walk the face of the earth. I say that with no hesitation whatsoever because the man is very creative and possesses the brains of someone who wants to learn everything. However, I don’t regard him as family as much because the man divorced my grandmother, left her in anger, abandoned his family for quite a while, married a woman who was about the age of my mother at the time, and now has a son who’s only about 3 years older than me. Not to mention, when my sister and I were younger, he wasn’t the very best mentor for us nor did he like showing affection to us at all as well.

Today was a reaffirmation of that spirit within him. He took us out, and announced he was sick. It’s not easy for me at this time to conjure up remorse or pity for the man. Call me cold-hearted, but inside I know I am saddened by it in some way. A bit. There’s more about this man however that causes me to reexamine myself as well. You see, for most of my childhood, I’ve had to work my ass off to retain this man’s legacy within my family. My grandfather graduated as valedictorian in all his levels of education, leaving me to continue on in that path. Therefore most of my childhood, like the epitome of the majority of Asian families, consisted of high pressures and scorn if that expectation was not met. Do you understand how it feels to be 11 years old and your mother demanding that you fight for an extra point on a math test because you answered the question correctly and even showed the work for it but your teacher just accidentally marked it wrong? Do you know how embarrassing it is to make one tiny mistake and your class view you as abnormal because of it? How can perfect Meryl do something like that?? I wanted to be normal, I wanted to be a child that wasn’t intelligent, and most of all, I wanted to run away so many times.

But I didn’t. Instead, I formed an identity out of it. In middle school, I graduated valedictorian, and in high school, I didn’t, but I did graduate with high honors. My mom, whose everlasting dream is for me to become just like my grandfather, stood there in all my graduations with always the same thing to say: “Why didn’t you get a 4.0? Can you get another scholarship? You needa be competitive!” In college, that identity faded away within a second. Not because I was sick of it, because God knows I wanted my mother to finally cry her eyes out with how proud she was of me, but because I put a single person’s well being above my own. And I suffered, and I sacrificed…like no other person could.

Now, I write this because I’m angered for those lost years. I’m just starting to get back on track, gathering all the scattered pieces of this semester and working my way back up to my full potential. But obviously, the limits of that potential have decreased. I can no longer carry my grandfather’s intellectual legacy, nor do I want to anymore. I realized as this man spends his last days on earth, I’m going to spend mine working my way up, but not ever living life with regret. Because I sure do look back in my life, and I do regret a lot of things…